I don’t care too much for money, money can’t buy me love.
~ Lennon-McCartney

In Barrack Obama’s nomination speech, he called for parents to take more responsibility for providing the love and guidance to their children’s needs. This reminded me of a single-mom who appeared in Oprah’ show and bragged about lavishing on her 4-year-old daughter not only fifty Barbie dolls, but also diamond earrings. All along, she insisted that her daughter was not spoiled. We have forgotten to teach the next generation how important it is to BE, and instead have been demonstrating what is important to HAVE. It certainly is easier to buy them the latest gadget than to take them biking or fishing.

Since when have objects become the evidence of love? DeBeers asked us to comply: “If you love her, buy her diamonds”. As far as relationships go, it has now become the invincible principle. But why do we believe that our love is “not enough”?

We have far more “things” than people in less privileged parts of the world. However, many of us may score lower in happiness rankings when compared to those people. I’ve always been stunned by the brightest of smiles from the far flung corners of the third world. Well known author/marketer Seth Godin said, “What you have doesn’t make you unhappy. What you want does. And want is created by us, the marketers. Marketers who try to grow market share will always work to make their non-customers unhappy.”

Indeed, over the century, De Beers has been highly successful in marketing diamonds as a symbol of love and commitment. A young copyrighter coined the famous line “A Diamond is Forever” back in 1947 and the line was named the best advertising slogan of the twentieth century.

Our notions of “happy”, ”success”, and “love” are so heavily swayed by the mass media because we worry so much about how we are perceived by “everybody”. The problem is, our dopamine neurohormones actually cease firing once the reward becomes predictable. In other words, the expectation of receiving something is ALWAYS more exciting than the very act of obtaining or owning it. Therefore, we constantly need new toys, more costly ones to spice up our mundane daily life. And before we know, it becomes an insidious addition.

I won’t say that I am completely immune to the mass-cultural impact. My husband did purchase a genuinely exquisite diamond ring from a jeweler in Bangalore, India who was once the provider for Queen Victoria ( and that was before we watched Blood Diamonds). I probably wore it no more than 3 times and we both don’t like wearing rings (or anything else) on our fingers. We didn’t even exchange rings at our wedding ceremony. Sometimes I got a curious look but I really didn’t mind.

Over the years, we have chosen to spend our resources on accumulating mutual experiences, especially traveling, rather than acquiring “things”. Every weekend we play frisbee in our pool, a florescent pink frisbee from the Nixon era. We spend a lot of time rocking at our balcony and talking nonsense. It is much more fun than staring at (or showing off) the diamond ring, at least to me.

I have come to realize that our existence, and our way of being is truly the best present we can bestow upon each other. Intimacy is shown in every-day life. When you urgently need him/her to be close and to be caring, a polymorph of carbon, however “precious”, probably won’t help. And sure enough it won’t be very wise to make a lifetime commitment to a piece of carbon either.

Next time when you are buying gifts, why don’t you give people some nice “experiences” rather than things: go to a concert together, invite somebody for a walk, bring them a surprise dinner…these could be so much more memorable.

I don’t fully agree with the Beatles. I think money can buy you love, but only for a little while. Before the dopamine level drops again.

In Harmony,

Annie

His need to win drains him of power.

~ A Zen Master observing one strong competitor losing at an archery game.

It is the Summer Olympics. I usually don’t watch sports. Unlike most guys, my husband could not care less and only watches World Cup Soccer every four years. But the guy living across the courtyard has a plasma TV the size of a classroom blackboard. It is always locked on the sports channel and we can literally observe athletes’ wrinkles from his window or poke through their football gear. Anyhow, running out of our South Park recordings on a Friday evening, we found ourselves watching the Olympic events in Beijing.

American swimmer Michael Phelps was competing in the 100m butterfly event. He started slow and was trailing all but one of the eight starters. Remarkably, he closed the gap on Serbia’s Milorad Cavic and finished with a mini-stroke, winning gold, outclassing his opponent by… a hundredth of a second. It was so magical that we couldn’t stop asking each other,”How did he do it?”

“I had no idea it was that close,” Phelps said after winning his seventh gold at a single games, equaling Mark Spitz’s venerable record. But I could well imagine that he was completely focused and “present” while in the water, instead of worrying about where the others were in the race. It is a mental game as much as a sports one.

Very often we feel this need to “win”. We constantly wonder how we are doing compared to others. We want to arrive at some future point, and it takes energy away from what we are doing at this moment. We’re not running our own race.

We are in a culture which puts high value on “keeping up with the Jones”. We believe that it’s imperative to be competitive and that we will finally “arrive” at some point that we can relax. Personal relationships are no different and I have seen some “unconscious” casualties caused by this attitude.

Serena works on Wall Street. She is in her early forties, financially successful, and a fashion aficionado. She buys her furniture at the Design Miami Show and does her shopping at Rue Saint-Honoré. However, she has been less than impressed by her love life and constantly complained about it. I asked about her dating experience. “Well, many men like to talk about their travels. I would ask if they took business class or first class. When they bragged about the hotels they’ve stayed, I told them that I’ve stayed at more privileged ones. When they talked about wine, I usually pointed out that they had some potential for improvement of their knowledge. I mean, they have to know who I am. I am not your typical small-town girl.”

Could you really enjoy your company when you were trying so hard to prove that you have “won”? The Indian spiritual teacher Jiddu Krishnamurti said that, “Love is always active present. It is not `I will love’ or `I have loved’. Love is not hedged about and caught in jealousy, for jealousy is of the past.”

When you love someone with all your heart, with your entire being, there is no comparison. A real relationship can only be established when both parties consciously live in the present. Otherwise, you are only interacting with an “image” of the other person that you have accumulated in your mind over the years.

Ted recently broke off the engagement with his fiancée because she had insisted that he put the new house he bought under her name. “My best friend told me that her father-in-law bought her a mansion. My mom also said that you should definitely do this if you really love me.” she claimed. Ted truly did not get her logic. She quickly found another guy who was obviously much richer and they got married.

Few of us have learnt to celebrate others’ success. We are jealous even for our best friends. Material success is the easiest to be identified and often becomes the focal point. We compare others’ outside to our inside. We focus more on the “lack of” and of course the law of attraction brings us more evidence of the lack.

We could all try to “better” ourselves but there is really no need to win over somebody. The real harmony can only be discovered within. Try not to want so much of the next moment, for there’s nothing lacking right here, now, at this moment. And “this moment” is really all there is. If you realize this, you will be successful, even a hundredth of a second after.

In Harmony,

Annie

To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.

~Oscar Wilde

I love reading the Personals section from The New York Review of Books. Just have a look at this:”Smart and beautiful, yet unequivocally cute. Slender brunette with expressive, sexy eyes, head-turning presence.” Or better yet: “Stunning, intellectually curious and athletic. Tall and slim with natural radiance.”

I initially imagined that people who place their ads in this weekly would emphasize more on their intellectual capacity, but, boy, was I wrong! It wouldn’t be half as bad if these bachelors/bachelorettes truly believed that they were as fabulous as they described. However I suspect they are not unlike a lot of people I meet. People, who had tried to “market” themselves as entirely ‘different’ in order to boost their appeal. Why? Because they thought that nobody would be interested in them as who they really are.

A girlfriend of mine pretended that she loved sports when dating. This “love” obviously did not survive after their marriage. She ended up hating the fact that her husband was spending so much time watching sports and going to the games. Understandably, he was puzzled, “Didn’t you say that you loved sports?” There’s no “role play” that can stand the 24/7 reality test. One’s true color will show up sooner or later.

Being authentic is the only way to establish a lasting relationship. Each of us is a unique and wonderful individual and one would attract the likes by showing who one really is. Some people do not want to be “authentic” because they don’t like who they think they are. In order to sublate the “law of attraction” and find a life partner, you first have to live the life of your own truth, and to be a successful single.

If you want someone with financial security, you first have to examine your own money situation. Do not expect the Prince(ss) Charming to just show up and pay off your debt. If you smoke 2 packs of cigarettes a day, how would you expect your partner to be addiction-free? When you are happy and content as a single, you would pursue a satisfying relationship without the needy, grasping, desperate energy that chases away potential candidates.

The other side of this “marketing trap” is the “packaging trap”- you chose your partner by external conditions, such as job, look, height, status, wealth, etc. These external aspects rarely guarantee a happy relationship, which really is an internal experience.

Use your precious “singlehood” to explore and cultivate yourself. I heard people say, “I would go to Paris with my Mr. Right when he shows up.” In reality, Paris is not even remotely exotic. I don’t understand why so many films and TV series portrait it as inaccessible as Mars and you can only visit it when having a “Mr. Big”. If you love travel, just pack up and go, ALONE. If you want to try salsa, just sign up the class and show up. You might end up meeting people who have similar interests as you. If not, it’s still great to make friends as they provide important emotional support. Who knows? Maybe they have some nice brothers/sisters who fit right up your alley.

These friendships and interests you have developed will be useful even after you have found your partner. Do not expect him/her to be your lover/mentor, driver/plumber, cook/maid and your ATM at the same time.

I remember going to dance lessons five days a week, from Tango, Swing, Salsa, aerobic, folk dance, to adult ballet. I was not particularly happy at that point in my life. However by doing something I enjoyed, I gradually shook off the gloom and felt more connected to life. I remember cruising along the canals in Amsterdam or visiting Juliet’s balcony in Verona by myself. Yes, I did wish that somebody be there with me but I was able to enjoy the wonderful sights nonetheless. It was a long learning process for me to be happy. A few years later, I met my amazing husband who had traveled two thirds of the planet. Now we travel together and it has been a most enriching experience. And I still remember fondly the time I traveled alone. It made me who I am and I fully appreciated those days, not just as a process for waiting for Mr. Right.

Laws of Attraction works, Only when you love fully in the present can you attract someone as complete as you are.

In Harmony,

Annie

It is difficult not to be unjust to what one loves.

~ Oscar Wilde

Driving back home late evening I got stopped by an unmarked police car. The officer stated “Red Light Violation”.

It was suggested I attend defensive driving class to keep the points off my license. I knew that I was not a very good driver and, on margin, it could be a useful course, but it did not automatically qualify as an exciting event to participate in. As it turned out, it was surprisingly interesting.

The instructor was not only informative but also extremely entertaining, almost on a par with some successful motivational speakers. He addressed the road rage issue with the motto “Don’t take it personal. No one can make you mad. You choose to be angry.” That was exactly the attitude I’d been promoting among my clients. We should always acknowledge that while we cannot control the world, we can definitely choose how to interpret it and how to respond.

The instructor told a story he witnessed in his old days as a police officer. A truck driver was involved in a small accident. The driver of the sedan mouthed something and flipped a bird. The truck driver then whipped out sledgehammer and flattened the hood of the sedan. When the police officer approached, the sedan driver said,” I did NOTHING. He’s crazy!!” Crazy as the truck driver might have been, the sedan guy certainly did SOMETHING agitating the incident.

I heard this kind of claims and excuses quite often, “He/she shouldn’t have done this to me. I haven’t done anything to deserve it!” Really? Think harder. It’s so easy for us to always see the fault in others and not to take responsibility of our behavior and our feelings. We give away the control of our feelings to outside circumstances, be it irritating drivers, provoking partners, or even some strangers’ comments.

A friend told me that his pet peeve is to see this line in woman’s personal ad~” Looking for a man who Makes Me Laugh.” He said to himself, “Am I supposed to make you laugh? What about me?” That sounds like a lot of work!

Indeed, for a relationship to survive, each partner has to pull equal weight. Imagine a 3 legged-stool, with the relationship as one leg of the stool, and each partner as another leg of the stool. The relationship is as much outside of each partner as it is within them. It is the space in between and needs to be nurtured consciously. If there are resentments, disappointments or unresolved issues, it is going to pollute the space and everyone in contact with it, especially children. Both parties are 100% responsible for what happens in the space between, not 50/50.

Your inner harmony and happiness does not depend on anybody or anything outside of yourself. As Soren Kierkegaard pointed out, “objective truths about the world are grounded in belief, not in certainty.”

If you don’t take ownership of your thoughts and feelings, you abdicate in your role as a director and become merely an actor, always influenced by other players, repeating your blaming game, living in a negative state of feelings.

It’s much more satisfying to be your own hero(ine). Follow your own map and set out on your crusade. Just don’t cross at red light.

In Harmony,

Annie

Woody Allen famously said:

”In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then.. Voila!...

This quote was forwarded to me by a friend working in the financial industry. With the investment climate at multi-year low, some analysts were passing on this quote, laughing at themselves and the peculiar hindsight bias with which all stock price movements are perfectly understandable and explicable. Provided you analyze them looking from the present time into the past.

Is our life more unpredictable than the stock market? How cool would it be if we could begin our life at the end, knowing that everything you desire is already a reality? If you can see yourself grow old happily with the person you love, would you feel the confidence, freedom and affection that is suddenly available to you?

Many people go about their lives without ever thinking what kind of life they really want, and they complain that life has not turned out the way it “should be”. I have encouraged clients to write down what their “perfect day “would look like. Use all your senses. Describe what you would experience from the moment you get up until going to bed.

However I have found that they often come up with something which is just a slightly twisted version of their daily life. I encouraged them to dream WILDER: if you don’t have to worry about money, if you don’t have all the limitations in your current reality, if you are already slim and sexy, what would you do? Do you want to lie down on the beach every day? Probably not.

This cartoon was reproduced by Harvard Psychologist Daniel Gilbert in his book “Stumble on Happiness”. It shows how ineffective we are trying to transcend our current experience with our minds.

The law of attraction encourages us to break through the boundaries of our circumstances to access the feeling states we desire for ideal future. Gilbert confirms the power of “prefeeling”: it allows us to predict our emotions better than thinking does. You need to engage all your senses to the feeling states and you can’t feel two things at once. I suppose that’s why Dr. Martha Beck prescribe her clients to take 10 minutes break every day to do NOTHING but to “treasure”, to prefeel your ideal future. How does it sound, look, smell, feel, taste?

Developing the ability to access your ideal future opens doors for you to access your magic.

Now imagine that you are a filmmaker and you are making a documentary of yourself. You got the chance to tell your story. Get fancy. Let your imagination run wild. See what you will come up with.

What would you imagine your family and friends would say about you when they toast your 80^th birthday? “To your 300 pairs of fabulous Manolo Blahnik shoes”? or “What an amazing friend/partner you have been”?

In Harmony,

Annie

I have “no-fail” chemistry. (If ) A guy turns me on, he’s the wrong one for me.
~ LINDA BARNES, Snapshot, 1993

Why are you dating wrong kind of person again, and again? Why are you staying in a relationship that is not going anywhere?

Well-known behavioral economist Richard Thaler in his latest book “Nudge: Improving Decisions About Health, Wealth, and Happiness” provides an answer. Thaler distinguishes between two aspects: Mindless choosing and Temptation.

In one experiment, people kept eating the soup in front of them without even noticing that the soup was contained in self-refilling bowls. Most of the time, we eat mindlessly. We are on the auto-pilot mode and just carry on the task at hand. We are not “conscious” at the present moment and not conscious about the long term consequence of the choices we are making.

Temptation is hard to resist, especially when a mega-dose of hormone is running through your body. Some people dub it “love” and have insisted that “true love” happens without reason and is beyond rational analyzing. I tend to agree with Dr. Tennov who coined the term limerance for the “in-love” experience to distinguish it from what she considers true love. In other words, infatuation does not necessary lead to true love. While chemistry is important for a sustainable relationship, you can still learn to balance your heart with your head.

“I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking of him/her.” You said, “I am so happy whenever I am around him/her. How can this not be love?” This euphoric high in the early stage of love owes everything to chemicals, or phenylethylamine, to be exact. You need to test it against a clearly-defined list of requirements. Before you are sure of this person would be a strong candidate, establish boundaries around physical intimacy. Otherwise the chemicals (this time oxytocin) will, after sex, mislead you into thinking that you are a “couple”. It will certainly cloud your judgment.

New York City is the best place in the planet to observe dating behaviors. Many singles use the plots from “Sex and the City” as their road map cruising through the meat market. There is more than plenty of good-looking aspirant actors, models, artists, writers, investment bankers, and entertainment moguls for you to get lost. Sharon, in her late thirties, has had a lot of fun in her prime and now has turned sour, feeling exhausted. She has recently invited me to be her relationship coach for a reality check. We have discovered that deep down she still wants to have a traditional family. I asked her if, now that she is clear what she wants in life, she would stop seeing those wrong “kind of guys” She said, “I will soon. But those guys I have been seeing are so much more fun, and, um, dangerous.”

Why would you assume that people who are “wrong” for you would be more fun? Why would a nice guy have to be boring? I believe that we are the creators of our own lives and we can attract the kind of person we want from our inner selves. The law of attraction tells us that what is inside shows outside. If you are insecure about yourself, you will end up being with someone equally insecure. If you are a boring person, you would attract a tedious fellow. You can not expect the other person to make you complete or happy. You have to do the self-work first. Be the person you would want to fall in love with.

If you don’t know where to start establishing your requirements, begin with examining your past relationships. What are the deal breakers? Sharon used to have her first requirement as “He has to be RICH.” But when I asked her what exactly had led to her break-ups, she raised various issues surrounding fidelity, integrity, availability, and communication. Now she realized that there are more important items for her to consider besides the “rich” factor.

Next time when you lose your appetite or sleep over somebody again, consider that it might not be love. At least not yet.

In Harmony,

Annie

Licensed Relationship Coach