I have “no-fail” chemistry. (If ) A guy turns me on, he’s the wrong one for me.
~ LINDA BARNES, Snapshot, 1993
Why are you dating wrong kind of person again, and again? Why are you staying in a relationship that is not going anywhere?
Well-known behavioral economist Richard Thaler in his latest book “Nudge: Improving Decisions About Health, Wealth, and Happiness
” provides an answer. Thaler distinguishes between two aspects: Mindless choosing and Temptation.
In one experiment, people kept eating the soup in front of them without even noticing that the soup was contained in self-refilling bowls. Most of the time, we eat mindlessly. We are on the auto-pilot mode and just carry on the task at hand. We are not “conscious” at the present moment and not conscious about the long term consequence of the choices we are making.
Temptation is hard to resist, especially when a mega-dose of hormone is running through your body. Some people dub it “love” and have insisted that “true love” happens without reason and is beyond rational analyzing. I tend to agree with Dr. Tennov who coined the term limerance for the “in-love” experience to distinguish it from what she considers true love. In other words, infatuation does not necessary lead to true love. While chemistry is important for a sustainable relationship, you can still learn to balance your heart with your head.
“I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking of him/her.” You said, “I am so happy whenever I am around him/her. How can this not be love?” This euphoric high in the early stage of love owes everything to chemicals, or phenylethylamine, to be exact. You need to test it against a clearly-defined list of requirements. Before you are sure of this person would be a strong candidate, establish boundaries around physical intimacy. Otherwise the chemicals (this time oxytocin) will, after sex, mislead you into thinking that you are a “couple”. It will certainly cloud your judgment.
New York City is the best place in the planet to observe dating behaviors. Many singles use the plots from “Sex and the City” as their road map cruising through the meat market. There is more than plenty of good-looking aspirant actors, models, artists, writers, investment bankers, and entertainment moguls for you to get lost. Sharon, in her late thirties, has had a lot of fun in her prime and now has turned sour, feeling exhausted. She has recently invited me to be her relationship coach for a reality check. We have discovered that deep down she still wants to have a traditional family. I asked her if, now that she is clear what she wants in life, she would stop seeing those wrong “kind of guys” She said, “I will soon. But those guys I have been seeing are so much more fun, and, um, dangerous.”
Why would you assume that people who are “wrong” for you would be more fun? Why would a nice guy have to be boring? I believe that we are the creators of our own lives and we can attract the kind of person we want from our inner selves. The law of attraction tells us that what is inside shows outside. If you are insecure about yourself, you will end up being with someone equally insecure. If you are a boring person, you would attract a tedious fellow. You can not expect the other person to make you complete or happy. You have to do the self-work first. Be the person you would want to fall in love with.
If you don’t know where to start establishing your requirements, begin with examining your past relationships. What are the deal breakers? Sharon used to have her first requirement as “He has to be RICH.” But when I asked her what exactly had led to her break-ups, she raised various issues surrounding fidelity, integrity, availability, and communication. Now she realized that there are more important items for her to consider besides the “rich” factor.
Next time when you lose your appetite or sleep over somebody again, consider that it might not be love. At least not yet.
In Harmony,
Annie
Licensed Relationship Coach
His need to win drains him of power.
~ A Zen Master observing one strong competitor losing at an archery game.
It is the Summer Olympics. I usually don’t watch sports. Unlike most guys, my husband could not care less and only watches World Cup Soccer every four years. But the guy living across the courtyard has a plasma TV the size of a classroom blackboard. It is always locked on the sports channel and we can literally observe athletes’ wrinkles from his window or poke through their football gear. Anyhow, running out of our South Park recordings on a Friday evening, we found ourselves watching the Olympic events in Beijing.
American swimmer Michael Phelps was competing in the 100m butterfly event. He started slow and was trailing all but one of the eight starters. Remarkably, he closed the gap on Serbia’s Milorad Cavic and finished with a mini-stroke, winning gold, outclassing his opponent by… a hundredth of a second. It was so magical that we couldn’t stop asking each other,”How did he do it?”
“I had no idea it was that close,” Phelps said after winning his seventh gold at a single games, equaling Mark Spitz’s venerable record. But I could well imagine that he was completely focused and “present” while in the water, instead of worrying about where the others were in the race. It is a mental game as much as a sports one.
Very often we feel this need to “win”. We constantly wonder how we are doing compared to others. We want to arrive at some future point, and it takes energy away from what we are doing at this moment. We’re not running our own race.
We are in a culture which puts high value on “keeping up with the Jones”. We believe that it’s imperative to be competitive and that we will finally “arrive” at some point that we can relax. Personal relationships are no different and I have seen some “unconscious” casualties caused by this attitude.
Serena works on Wall Street. She is in her early forties, financially successful, and a fashion aficionado. She buys her furniture at the Design Miami Show and does her shopping at Rue Saint-Honoré. However, she has been less than impressed by her love life and constantly complained about it. I asked about her dating experience. “Well, many men like to talk about their travels. I would ask if they took business class or first class. When they bragged about the hotels they’ve stayed, I told them that I’ve stayed at more privileged ones. When they talked about wine, I usually pointed out that they had some potential for improvement of their knowledge. I mean, they have to know who I am. I am not your typical small-town girl.”
Could you really enjoy your company when you were trying so hard to prove that you have “won”? The Indian spiritual teacher Jiddu Krishnamurti said that, “Love is always active present. It is not `I will love’ or `I have loved’. Love is not hedged about and caught in jealousy, for jealousy is of the past.”
When you love someone with all your heart, with your entire being, there is no comparison. A real relationship can only be established when both parties consciously live in the present. Otherwise, you are only interacting with an “image” of the other person that you have accumulated in your mind over the years.
Ted recently broke off the engagement with his fiancée because she had insisted that he put the new house he bought under her name. “My best friend told me that her father-in-law bought her a mansion. My mom also said that you should definitely do this if you really love me.” she claimed. Ted truly did not get her logic. She quickly found another guy who was obviously much richer and they got married.
Few of us have learnt to celebrate others’ success. We are jealous even for our best friends. Material success is the easiest to be identified and often becomes the focal point. We compare others’ outside to our inside. We focus more on the “lack of” and of course the law of attraction brings us more evidence of the lack.
We could all try to “better” ourselves but there is really no need to win over somebody. The real harmony can only be discovered within. Try not to want so much of the next moment, for there’s nothing lacking right here, now, at this moment. And “this moment” is really all there is. If you realize this, you will be successful, even a hundredth of a second after.
In Harmony,
Annie
